more than today, less than tomorrow

The One About Wanting a House

2012-02-15T07:25:00.000-08:00

I want a house of my own. I have been married for 3.5 years and we have lived in the same rinky-dink apartment for almost 6 years now!!

I want to be able to paint the rooms colors that suit me. I want to buy furniture that fits in a certain spot "just so". I want a yard. I want to be able to let my dog out the back door and trust that he won't get in trouble for being out without a leash. I want to get a companion for my dog. I want to carry my groceries through ONE door, not four. I want more space. I want more windows and more light.

The worst part is... I am the reason we don't have a house yet. I am a fucking slacker. That is really the root of the entire problem. I am a slacker. If I could just get a full-time permanent job and hold it down for a little while, we'd probably be able to get a house without a problem.

I'm also scared as hell to own a house. That's a huge commitment. And it's a LOT to lose! I think that deep down, that is why I won't try harder to get a decent job. Marrying Nate hardly felt like a commitment, it was the easiest thing I've ever done because I know we're for real and there was just no apprehension. A house is not a permanent thing - you can lose it for up to 30 years, until it's paid off. That's 30 years of having to be on top of your game. It just freaks me out sometimes. Not to mention that when you finance a home, you end up paying for it 2.5-3 times over after all is said and done! I can't beleive that is legal.

So... I want a house. But, I want a good job first. I'm not just going to take anything, that is my problem I suppose.

The One About Grandparents

2012-02-14T08:03:00.001-08:00

I am 27 years old and currently have no living grandparents.

My maternal grandfather died before I was born. My paternal grandparents both died when I was between the ages of 10 and 16. My maternal grandmother just died in 2009 at 90 years old, which is an amazing feat, in my opinion.

Growing up, I never had that relationship that most people have with their grandparents with any of my grandparents. My dad's parents were difficult. Grampa was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease in his 50s, so all I ever knew of him was when he was sick. All I can remember about him is that he used to shake a lot, then he had a hard time speaking, then he was bed-ridden. Grammy was always so busy taking care of him that she was hard to visit. Plus her house smelled bad because she was really too old and incapable of doing everything she tried to do. And she gave the worst gifts. There is that saying about not speaking ill of the dead, but these things are true. A hideous, too-small, green and white striped chenille sweater for my birthday in June?! Yuck.

I always wished I had a special relationship with at least one grandparent. The closest I came to that with my own grandparents was with my Nana, my mom's mother. She was the sweetest little French-Canadian lady! I can remember she and my mother used to speak French to each other when they wanted to talk privately around us. We even learned a few French phrases (for "it's beautiful out" and "it's dark out"), which I later found out were very slaughtered from what the real phrase sounded like. She used to make us stuff all the time, lots of crocheted, knitted, or cross-stitched items, always in green for my brother, pink for my sister, and purple for my cousin and me. I even have an afghan that she crocheted for me by which to remember her. But she lived in Florida for half the year when I was younger, then as I got older she started staying in Florida year-round so we would only get to see her for a week or two each year. She became increasingly difficult to talk to because she was hard of hearing, and I never knew what to talk about with her. I have always had that problem with phone conversations. But I can remember the dreaded, "Do you want to talk to Nicolle?" question from my mom when they were on the phone together. I never wanted to talk to her because it was awkward and I didn't know what to say. It's awful, I know. Because she is gone now, and all I have left are precious memories of my Nana, and her knitting needles.

My husband is one of the luckiest people I know in the grandparents department. Sure, most people are fortunate enough to have both sets of grandparents growing up. But Nate was raised by his mother, no father. Yet he still has two sets of awesome grandparents! His mom's parents split up before he was born and then they both re-married, so he still got to have a great group of grandparents. And over the last almost-seven years, I have gotten to know them very well and I cherish them like they are my own! I adore both of his grandmothers, Shirley and Maxine. I have come to be very close with both of them, we have great conversations and they are both very liberal and open-minded so I feel like I can talk to them about nearly anything. And they both come with their individual positive qualities.

I guess what I am really trying to get across is that I love my in-law family. I know a lot of people aren't fortunate enough to say the same. I count my blessings every day and never take anything for granted. But I do miss my own grandparents a lot, especially my Nana.

Starting Over

2012-02-13T08:06:00.001-08:00

I am going to start over with this blog. I really want a place where I can say whatever I want, be honest, swear, talk about what I'm up to, and post what I am interested in. So that's what I am going to do. I am an honest person, and for the most part I am able to be honest to people's faces. But sometimes I have to censor myself and I'm ready for a place where I don't have to do that.

So, readers beware, I am going to be crude. I am going to tell you what I really think. I don't care who reads this, but it's at your own risk!

First, let's talk about something crazy. My sister has been playing this game called Second Life. Not sure if you've ever heard of it - but I honestly thought it was made-up. There was an episode of the Office wherein Dwight had a Second Life character that was a lot like his real-life personality, right up to being an Assistant Regional Manager at his job. But he could fly! Needless to say, it seemed ridiculous and I thought it was an idea created for the show. Of course not.

Anywho - I have not played this game. I will not play this game. But I think this game seems fucking nuts, in a bad way.

My sister started playing it in January, and since then has split with her husband, they are getting a divorce, and she has "met someone new" on the game. She told me the other day that they got "Second Life married". I had a really hard time keeping a straight face when she told me about it. All I was thinking was, "Who the fuck are you and what have you done with my sister?!" She even paid someone on the game (real money! it was a few dollars, but real money!) to take pictures at their "wedding". What the fuck?!

I like to say FUCK. I love to swear. Mostly because I find them to be interesting adjectives. I always thought it was stupid that there was a such thing as a "bad" word or "swears". They are only bad because we say they are bad. Fuck it!

I have lots of post ideas, so I will stop for now. I just wanted to get this started again, because I apparently have a lot to say!

My husband will be home soon, I can't wait. I fucking love that man, he is my favorite person in the whole world!!!

To my 16-year-old self:

2010-11-04T20:58:00.000-07:00

What would you say to your 16 year old self?

This was a topic on somebody's blog that I was just reading and I really wanted to share my thoughts. I would like to tell myself the following things... but as a 16-year-old, I think I'd only listen if I knew they were coming from my 26-year-old self, not somebody else. So, from my 26-year-old self to my 16-year-old self:

-you will live past 18, despite that weird irrational fear you have

-you will find great love, and it won't even take that long

-if the guy isn't making any moves, he's not into you and never will be, stop being so obsessive and analytical

-fooling around does not equal interest on his behalf, in fact in generally means he doesn't give a shit about you

-actually read Huck Finn and do that Macbeth paper (it's not worth the zero)

-that girl you're afraid of... she's going to stay in town for the rest of her life and go absolutely nowhere, don't let her intimidate you one bit, she is nothing

-be nicer, just because people are assholes to you, doesn't mean you should be an asshole, too, it's not really your nature

-tweeze your eyebrows, frau

-tell somebody about what happened, it feels better to talk about it and not carry it around alone

-stick with softball, the coach may be a dreadful jackass, but you'll regret it later when you try to play and have no more confidence in your abilities

-move in with your dad now, before things get really bad at your mom's

-find a way to keep playing the flute after high school, you will miss it terribly in the following years

-find a way to keep speaking French after high school, you will miss it terribly in the following years

-go to Europe with Joe, it would have been worth being broke

-don't go to college right away, it will ruin you financially for longer than it's worth, and you won't decide what you want to do until several years in

-all of your friends are having sex with each other and doing lots of drugs, you are better off doing what you're doing - being fat and lonely and working on yourself rather than trying to fit in, you will like yourself much better when you're 26 for that

-it gets better, you are right to want to get out of town as soon as possible, you will never regret it and will appreciate it so much more when you're living somewhere else

-stop spending your money on crap and clothes that you won't use or wear for very long, you're better off with the money than all that junk

-tv doesn't love you back, get outside

-don't stop skiing, you really do love it

-you are already awesome and more unique than most teenagers because you do what you want, not what you think you're supposed to be doing. french rocks, band rocks, spelling and grammar will always be important to you, reading rocks, you will never enjoy partying but please dance as often as you can, and like i said, you will find GREAT love, so be patient and don't be afraid to make the first move, he's too sweet to do it himself. :)