2012, why are you sucking so badly, and only 2 months in for that matter?
My sister has gone crazy, quite literally. I don't know who she is anymore, and my mother even says she might have a mental illness. Surely it started happening in 2011, but it has fully come to head in the last two months. And now she is getting a divorce and tearing a family apart. It's more than just her own immediate family, too, because her husband's brother is my mother's husband, so it's a hot mess. That's right, my mom and sister are married to two brothers. Well, not for much longer. She is also tearing apart our relationship - I have now not spoke to her in over two weeks, including seeing her in person last Saturday and hardly even making eye contact for the few hours we were forced to share the same space with each other. I just don't understand what she is going through. And she is asking for support and understanding, neither of which I can give her.
My brother, at 29 years old, has been recently diagnosed wit COPD. Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. Surely it was brought on by him smoking, but it still sucks and to be that young with such a chronic health issue is awful. Stop smoking brother, I love you too much to lose you young!!
Let's see, what else sucks? Well, those are the biggest for now. My personal life has not changed, everything is great with Nate and so-so with everything else. But those two things have been eating at me like crazy for the last few weeks.
Oh, I thought of something that sort of sucks for me. I have been having crazy dreams every night since I started the anxiety meds. I tried to read up on it, but it seemed like it was a pretty common thing that should probably go away in a few months. It's now been 4 months since I started the meds and the dreams are still happening, several each night. They aren't bad dreams, thankfully, but they are very weird and vivid and oftentimes when I wake up they dissipate. I can only remember them later in the day when something reminds me of them. Fucking weird!
Today is my last day at my current temp job. I have been working here since the end of December, for only 3 hours a day, but I like the people here. I will miss them - maybe someday I can come back full time in this department - I would love that!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
The One About Wanting a Child
I have never wanted children. I was never that girl who couldn't wait to have a baby when she was old enough. It was always something I dreaded. And since I have PCOS, it was always something I didn't have to worry about.
Now I am married, for almost 4 years already! As the time goes by, I am getting more and more used to the idea of having a child with Nate. We always said we would have at least one, maybe another if it went well the first time. But it was always a far-off-in-the-future type of situation. Our biggest stipulation was that we wanted to be settled into a house first. Raising a baby in our current apartment would just not work, so it's not even worth talking about.
Lately, the more I think about it, the easier it is to imagine myself pregnant and not be absolutely repelled by the thought. That was always the case - I could barely say the word pregnant when referring to myself, it always gave me the weirdest feeling of shame and fear. I try to think about it a lot to hopefully desensitize myself to the idea, and it seems to be working a little bit.
We still don't have a house, so the whole baby thing is still tabled for now. But the longer we are married and the more I see everyone else having kids, the more I realize I don't want to wait SO long that my kids aren't near the age of anyone else's that I know. That, and Nate's family is really itching for us to have kids. Cheryl (Nate's mom) really wants a grandchild and talks about it or at least hints at it often, and Granner (Cheryl's mom) has subtly hinted in the past that she's always hoped for a granddaugther. Oy vey! I want to give them what they hope for, but it's going to be at my own pace.
A couple months ago, Nate and I were hoping to move into this beautiful duplex apartment in Barrington. It was so lovely and spacious, and when I went to look at it, all I could think was, "we could totally raise a child here!" The apartment ended up falling through, as did my thoughts about a kid. I brought the idea up to him, and he was still adamant that he wanted to wait until we had a house. It didn't seem to matter so much to me about owning our home, especially when I saw that place. The woman who was currently living there had two little girls and it seemed fine. But it didn't work out, and everything is on hold again. I wouldn't say I am itching to get going, it just comes into my mind every now and again.
When I spend any amount of time with my brother's children, it makes me crazy with baby lust. They are the most amazing and beautiful children, I want them to be mine! And the fact that they live so far away, in Colorado, nearly kills me every time I think about it. My mom and I can't get enough of them, and not to mention we miss Bryan like crazy! We are hoping that someday soon they will move back to NH so we can all be closer. I would get to see them more often, and they could know our child/ren once that comes along.
Strangely enough, though, being around my sister's daughter does not make me want to have a baby of my own. It never did. Perhaps it is because she is so much like my sister? No clue. But since the day she was born, I loved her insanely, but I never wanted her or wanted one like her. She is a crazily intelligent child full of personality and life. She is quite precocious, and there is some attitude there that I can already see will be a blast when she is a teenager. I am looking forward to it, but at the same time, I am not!
I always feel the need to bring these posts back to my original point - about me, personally, wanting children. I never even thought I would get married. But once I was with Nate, I couldn't think of anything else I'd rather do than tie myself to him for life. He is such a great person, we are so much better together. So, having never really wanted children either, it is quite a change to be on the other side of that fence. I feel compelled to give him a child. He was raised without a father, and I have heard it time and again (and also agree with this fact), that he will be such a wonderful father himself. When talking about children, I often say that he will be a better father than I will a mother. I truly believe that. But I have also often been told that I will probably surprise myself.
So, we'll see...
Now I am married, for almost 4 years already! As the time goes by, I am getting more and more used to the idea of having a child with Nate. We always said we would have at least one, maybe another if it went well the first time. But it was always a far-off-in-the-future type of situation. Our biggest stipulation was that we wanted to be settled into a house first. Raising a baby in our current apartment would just not work, so it's not even worth talking about.
Lately, the more I think about it, the easier it is to imagine myself pregnant and not be absolutely repelled by the thought. That was always the case - I could barely say the word pregnant when referring to myself, it always gave me the weirdest feeling of shame and fear. I try to think about it a lot to hopefully desensitize myself to the idea, and it seems to be working a little bit.
We still don't have a house, so the whole baby thing is still tabled for now. But the longer we are married and the more I see everyone else having kids, the more I realize I don't want to wait SO long that my kids aren't near the age of anyone else's that I know. That, and Nate's family is really itching for us to have kids. Cheryl (Nate's mom) really wants a grandchild and talks about it or at least hints at it often, and Granner (Cheryl's mom) has subtly hinted in the past that she's always hoped for a granddaugther. Oy vey! I want to give them what they hope for, but it's going to be at my own pace.
A couple months ago, Nate and I were hoping to move into this beautiful duplex apartment in Barrington. It was so lovely and spacious, and when I went to look at it, all I could think was, "we could totally raise a child here!" The apartment ended up falling through, as did my thoughts about a kid. I brought the idea up to him, and he was still adamant that he wanted to wait until we had a house. It didn't seem to matter so much to me about owning our home, especially when I saw that place. The woman who was currently living there had two little girls and it seemed fine. But it didn't work out, and everything is on hold again. I wouldn't say I am itching to get going, it just comes into my mind every now and again.
When I spend any amount of time with my brother's children, it makes me crazy with baby lust. They are the most amazing and beautiful children, I want them to be mine! And the fact that they live so far away, in Colorado, nearly kills me every time I think about it. My mom and I can't get enough of them, and not to mention we miss Bryan like crazy! We are hoping that someday soon they will move back to NH so we can all be closer. I would get to see them more often, and they could know our child/ren once that comes along.
Strangely enough, though, being around my sister's daughter does not make me want to have a baby of my own. It never did. Perhaps it is because she is so much like my sister? No clue. But since the day she was born, I loved her insanely, but I never wanted her or wanted one like her. She is a crazily intelligent child full of personality and life. She is quite precocious, and there is some attitude there that I can already see will be a blast when she is a teenager. I am looking forward to it, but at the same time, I am not!
I always feel the need to bring these posts back to my original point - about me, personally, wanting children. I never even thought I would get married. But once I was with Nate, I couldn't think of anything else I'd rather do than tie myself to him for life. He is such a great person, we are so much better together. So, having never really wanted children either, it is quite a change to be on the other side of that fence. I feel compelled to give him a child. He was raised without a father, and I have heard it time and again (and also agree with this fact), that he will be such a wonderful father himself. When talking about children, I often say that he will be a better father than I will a mother. I truly believe that. But I have also often been told that I will probably surprise myself.
So, we'll see...
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
The One About Wanting a House
I want a house of my own. I have been married for 3.5 years and we have lived in the same rinky-dink apartment for almost 6 years now!!
I want to be able to paint the rooms colors that suit me. I want to buy furniture that fits in a certain spot "just so". I want a yard. I want to be able to let my dog out the back door and trust that he won't get in trouble for being out without a leash. I want to get a companion for my dog. I want to carry my groceries through ONE door, not four. I want more space. I want more windows and more light.
The worst part is... I am the reason we don't have a house yet. I am a fucking slacker. That is really the root of the entire problem. I am a slacker. If I could just get a full-time permanent job and hold it down for a little while, we'd probably be able to get a house without a problem.
I'm also scared as hell to own a house. That's a huge commitment. And it's a LOT to lose! I think that deep down, that is why I won't try harder to get a decent job. Marrying Nate hardly felt like a commitment, it was the easiest thing I've ever done because I know we're for real and there was just no apprehension. A house is not a permanent thing - you can lose it for up to 30 years, until it's paid off. That's 30 years of having to be on top of your game. It just freaks me out sometimes. Not to mention that when you finance a home, you end up paying for it 2.5-3 times over after all is said and done! I can't beleive that is legal.
So... I want a house. But, I want a good job first. I'm not just going to take anything, that is my problem I suppose.
I want to be able to paint the rooms colors that suit me. I want to buy furniture that fits in a certain spot "just so". I want a yard. I want to be able to let my dog out the back door and trust that he won't get in trouble for being out without a leash. I want to get a companion for my dog. I want to carry my groceries through ONE door, not four. I want more space. I want more windows and more light.
The worst part is... I am the reason we don't have a house yet. I am a fucking slacker. That is really the root of the entire problem. I am a slacker. If I could just get a full-time permanent job and hold it down for a little while, we'd probably be able to get a house without a problem.
I'm also scared as hell to own a house. That's a huge commitment. And it's a LOT to lose! I think that deep down, that is why I won't try harder to get a decent job. Marrying Nate hardly felt like a commitment, it was the easiest thing I've ever done because I know we're for real and there was just no apprehension. A house is not a permanent thing - you can lose it for up to 30 years, until it's paid off. That's 30 years of having to be on top of your game. It just freaks me out sometimes. Not to mention that when you finance a home, you end up paying for it 2.5-3 times over after all is said and done! I can't beleive that is legal.
So... I want a house. But, I want a good job first. I'm not just going to take anything, that is my problem I suppose.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
The One About Grandparents
I am 27 years old and currently have no living grandparents.
My maternal grandfather died before I was born. My paternal grandparents both died when I was between the ages of 10 and 16. My maternal grandmother just died in 2009 at 90 years old, which is an amazing feat, in my opinion.
Growing up, I never had that relationship that most people have with their grandparents with any of my grandparents. My dad's parents were difficult. Grampa was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease in his 50s, so all I ever knew of him was when he was sick. All I can remember about him is that he used to shake a lot, then he had a hard time speaking, then he was bed-ridden. Grammy was always so busy taking care of him that she was hard to visit. Plus her house smelled bad because she was really too old and incapable of doing everything she tried to do. And she gave the worst gifts. There is that saying about not speaking ill of the dead, but these things are true. A hideous, too-small, green and white striped chenille sweater for my birthday in June?! Yuck.
I always wished I had a special relationship with at least one grandparent. The closest I came to that with my own grandparents was with my Nana, my mom's mother. She was the sweetest little French-Canadian lady! I can remember she and my mother used to speak French to each other when they wanted to talk privately around us. We even learned a few French phrases (for "it's beautiful out" and "it's dark out"), which I later found out were very slaughtered from what the real phrase sounded like. She used to make us stuff all the time, lots of crocheted, knitted, or cross-stitched items, always in green for my brother, pink for my sister, and purple for my cousin and me. I even have an afghan that she crocheted for me by which to remember her. But she lived in Florida for half the year when I was younger, then as I got older she started staying in Florida year-round so we would only get to see her for a week or two each year. She became increasingly difficult to talk to because she was hard of hearing, and I never knew what to talk about with her. I have always had that problem with phone conversations. But I can remember the dreaded, "Do you want to talk to Nicolle?" question from my mom when they were on the phone together. I never wanted to talk to her because it was awkward and I didn't know what to say. It's awful, I know. Because she is gone now, and all I have left are precious memories of my Nana, and her knitting needles.
My husband is one of the luckiest people I know in the grandparents department. Sure, most people are fortunate enough to have both sets of grandparents growing up. But Nate was raised by his mother, no father. Yet he still has two sets of awesome grandparents! His mom's parents split up before he was born and then they both re-married, so he still got to have a great group of grandparents. And over the last almost-seven years, I have gotten to know them very well and I cherish them like they are my own! I adore both of his grandmothers, Shirley and Maxine. I have come to be very close with both of them, we have great conversations and they are both very liberal and open-minded so I feel like I can talk to them about nearly anything. And they both come with their individual positive qualities.
I guess what I am really trying to get across is that I love my in-law family. I know a lot of people aren't fortunate enough to say the same. I count my blessings every day and never take anything for granted. But I do miss my own grandparents a lot, especially my Nana.
My maternal grandfather died before I was born. My paternal grandparents both died when I was between the ages of 10 and 16. My maternal grandmother just died in 2009 at 90 years old, which is an amazing feat, in my opinion.
Growing up, I never had that relationship that most people have with their grandparents with any of my grandparents. My dad's parents were difficult. Grampa was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease in his 50s, so all I ever knew of him was when he was sick. All I can remember about him is that he used to shake a lot, then he had a hard time speaking, then he was bed-ridden. Grammy was always so busy taking care of him that she was hard to visit. Plus her house smelled bad because she was really too old and incapable of doing everything she tried to do. And she gave the worst gifts. There is that saying about not speaking ill of the dead, but these things are true. A hideous, too-small, green and white striped chenille sweater for my birthday in June?! Yuck.
I always wished I had a special relationship with at least one grandparent. The closest I came to that with my own grandparents was with my Nana, my mom's mother. She was the sweetest little French-Canadian lady! I can remember she and my mother used to speak French to each other when they wanted to talk privately around us. We even learned a few French phrases (for "it's beautiful out" and "it's dark out"), which I later found out were very slaughtered from what the real phrase sounded like. She used to make us stuff all the time, lots of crocheted, knitted, or cross-stitched items, always in green for my brother, pink for my sister, and purple for my cousin and me. I even have an afghan that she crocheted for me by which to remember her. But she lived in Florida for half the year when I was younger, then as I got older she started staying in Florida year-round so we would only get to see her for a week or two each year. She became increasingly difficult to talk to because she was hard of hearing, and I never knew what to talk about with her. I have always had that problem with phone conversations. But I can remember the dreaded, "Do you want to talk to Nicolle?" question from my mom when they were on the phone together. I never wanted to talk to her because it was awkward and I didn't know what to say. It's awful, I know. Because she is gone now, and all I have left are precious memories of my Nana, and her knitting needles.
My husband is one of the luckiest people I know in the grandparents department. Sure, most people are fortunate enough to have both sets of grandparents growing up. But Nate was raised by his mother, no father. Yet he still has two sets of awesome grandparents! His mom's parents split up before he was born and then they both re-married, so he still got to have a great group of grandparents. And over the last almost-seven years, I have gotten to know them very well and I cherish them like they are my own! I adore both of his grandmothers, Shirley and Maxine. I have come to be very close with both of them, we have great conversations and they are both very liberal and open-minded so I feel like I can talk to them about nearly anything. And they both come with their individual positive qualities.
I guess what I am really trying to get across is that I love my in-law family. I know a lot of people aren't fortunate enough to say the same. I count my blessings every day and never take anything for granted. But I do miss my own grandparents a lot, especially my Nana.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Starting Over
I am going to start over with this blog. I really want a place where I can say whatever I want, be honest, swear, talk about what I'm up to, and post what I am interested in. So that's what I am going to do. I am an honest person, and for the most part I am able to be honest to people's faces. But sometimes I have to censor myself and I'm ready for a place where I don't have to do that.
So, readers beware, I am going to be crude. I am going to tell you what I really think. I don't care who reads this, but it's at your own risk!
First, let's talk about something crazy. My sister has been playing this game called Second Life. Not sure if you've ever heard of it - but I honestly thought it was made-up. There was an episode of the Office wherein Dwight had a Second Life character that was a lot like his real-life personality, right up to being an Assistant Regional Manager at his job. But he could fly! Needless to say, it seemed ridiculous and I thought it was an idea created for the show. Of course not.
Anywho - I have not played this game. I will not play this game. But I think this game seems fucking nuts, in a bad way.
My sister started playing it in January, and since then has split with her husband, they are getting a divorce, and she has "met someone new" on the game. She told me the other day that they got "Second Life married". I had a really hard time keeping a straight face when she told me about it. All I was thinking was, "Who the fuck are you and what have you done with my sister?!" She even paid someone on the game (real money! it was a few dollars, but real money!) to take pictures at their "wedding". What the fuck?!
I like to say FUCK. I love to swear. Mostly because I find them to be interesting adjectives. I always thought it was stupid that there was a such thing as a "bad" word or "swears". They are only bad because we say they are bad. Fuck it!
I have lots of post ideas, so I will stop for now. I just wanted to get this started again, because I apparently have a lot to say!
My husband will be home soon, I can't wait. I fucking love that man, he is my favorite person in the whole world!!!
So, readers beware, I am going to be crude. I am going to tell you what I really think. I don't care who reads this, but it's at your own risk!
First, let's talk about something crazy. My sister has been playing this game called Second Life. Not sure if you've ever heard of it - but I honestly thought it was made-up. There was an episode of the Office wherein Dwight had a Second Life character that was a lot like his real-life personality, right up to being an Assistant Regional Manager at his job. But he could fly! Needless to say, it seemed ridiculous and I thought it was an idea created for the show. Of course not.
Anywho - I have not played this game. I will not play this game. But I think this game seems fucking nuts, in a bad way.
My sister started playing it in January, and since then has split with her husband, they are getting a divorce, and she has "met someone new" on the game. She told me the other day that they got "Second Life married". I had a really hard time keeping a straight face when she told me about it. All I was thinking was, "Who the fuck are you and what have you done with my sister?!" She even paid someone on the game (real money! it was a few dollars, but real money!) to take pictures at their "wedding". What the fuck?!
I like to say FUCK. I love to swear. Mostly because I find them to be interesting adjectives. I always thought it was stupid that there was a such thing as a "bad" word or "swears". They are only bad because we say they are bad. Fuck it!
I have lots of post ideas, so I will stop for now. I just wanted to get this started again, because I apparently have a lot to say!
My husband will be home soon, I can't wait. I fucking love that man, he is my favorite person in the whole world!!!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
To my 16-year-old self:
What would you say to your 16 year old self?
This was a topic on somebody's blog that I was just reading and I really wanted to share my thoughts. I would like to tell myself the following things... but as a 16-year-old, I think I'd only listen if I knew they were coming from my 26-year-old self, not somebody else. So, from my 26-year-old self to my 16-year-old self:
-you will live past 18, despite that weird irrational fear you have
-you will find great love, and it won't even take that long
-if the guy isn't making any moves, he's not into you and never will be, stop being so obsessive and analytical
-fooling around does not equal interest on his behalf, in fact in generally means he doesn't give a shit about you
-actually read Huck Finn and do that Macbeth paper (it's not worth the zero)
-that girl you're afraid of... she's going to stay in town for the rest of her life and go absolutely nowhere, don't let her intimidate you one bit, she is nothing
-be nicer, just because people are assholes to you, doesn't mean you should be an asshole, too, it's not really your nature
-tweeze your eyebrows, frau
-tell somebody about what happened, it feels better to talk about it and not carry it around alone
-stick with softball, the coach may be a dreadful jackass, but you'll regret it later when you try to play and have no more confidence in your abilities
-move in with your dad now, before things get really bad at your mom's
-find a way to keep playing the flute after high school, you will miss it terribly in the following years
-find a way to keep speaking French after high school, you will miss it terribly in the following years
-go to Europe with Joe, it would have been worth being broke
-don't go to college right away, it will ruin you financially for longer than it's worth, and you won't decide what you want to do until several years in
-all of your friends are having sex with each other and doing lots of drugs, you are better off doing what you're doing - being fat and lonely and working on yourself rather than trying to fit in, you will like yourself much better when you're 26 for that
-it gets better, you are right to want to get out of town as soon as possible, you will never regret it and will appreciate it so much more when you're living somewhere else
-stop spending your money on crap and clothes that you won't use or wear for very long, you're better off with the money than all that junk
-tv doesn't love you back, get outside
-don't stop skiing, you really do love it
-you are already awesome and more unique than most teenagers because you do what you want, not what you think you're supposed to be doing. french rocks, band rocks, spelling and grammar will always be important to you, reading rocks, you will never enjoy partying but please dance as often as you can, and like i said, you will find GREAT love, so be patient and don't be afraid to make the first move, he's too sweet to do it himself. :)
This was a topic on somebody's blog that I was just reading and I really wanted to share my thoughts. I would like to tell myself the following things... but as a 16-year-old, I think I'd only listen if I knew they were coming from my 26-year-old self, not somebody else. So, from my 26-year-old self to my 16-year-old self:
-you will live past 18, despite that weird irrational fear you have
-you will find great love, and it won't even take that long
-if the guy isn't making any moves, he's not into you and never will be, stop being so obsessive and analytical
-fooling around does not equal interest on his behalf, in fact in generally means he doesn't give a shit about you
-actually read Huck Finn and do that Macbeth paper (it's not worth the zero)
-that girl you're afraid of... she's going to stay in town for the rest of her life and go absolutely nowhere, don't let her intimidate you one bit, she is nothing
-be nicer, just because people are assholes to you, doesn't mean you should be an asshole, too, it's not really your nature
-tweeze your eyebrows, frau
-tell somebody about what happened, it feels better to talk about it and not carry it around alone
-stick with softball, the coach may be a dreadful jackass, but you'll regret it later when you try to play and have no more confidence in your abilities
-move in with your dad now, before things get really bad at your mom's
-find a way to keep playing the flute after high school, you will miss it terribly in the following years
-find a way to keep speaking French after high school, you will miss it terribly in the following years
-go to Europe with Joe, it would have been worth being broke
-don't go to college right away, it will ruin you financially for longer than it's worth, and you won't decide what you want to do until several years in
-all of your friends are having sex with each other and doing lots of drugs, you are better off doing what you're doing - being fat and lonely and working on yourself rather than trying to fit in, you will like yourself much better when you're 26 for that
-it gets better, you are right to want to get out of town as soon as possible, you will never regret it and will appreciate it so much more when you're living somewhere else
-stop spending your money on crap and clothes that you won't use or wear for very long, you're better off with the money than all that junk
-tv doesn't love you back, get outside
-don't stop skiing, you really do love it
-you are already awesome and more unique than most teenagers because you do what you want, not what you think you're supposed to be doing. french rocks, band rocks, spelling and grammar will always be important to you, reading rocks, you will never enjoy partying but please dance as often as you can, and like i said, you will find GREAT love, so be patient and don't be afraid to make the first move, he's too sweet to do it himself. :)
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