I have never wanted children. I was never that girl who couldn't wait to have a baby when she was old enough. It was always something I dreaded. And since I have PCOS, it was always something I didn't have to worry about.
Now I am married, for almost 4 years already! As the time goes by, I am getting more and more used to the idea of having a child with Nate. We always said we would have at least one, maybe another if it went well the first time. But it was always a far-off-in-the-future type of situation. Our biggest stipulation was that we wanted to be settled into a house first. Raising a baby in our current apartment would just not work, so it's not even worth talking about.
Lately, the more I think about it, the easier it is to imagine myself pregnant and not be absolutely repelled by the thought. That was always the case - I could barely say the word pregnant when referring to myself, it always gave me the weirdest feeling of shame and fear. I try to think about it a lot to hopefully desensitize myself to the idea, and it seems to be working a little bit.
We still don't have a house, so the whole baby thing is still tabled for now. But the longer we are married and the more I see everyone else having kids, the more I realize I don't want to wait SO long that my kids aren't near the age of anyone else's that I know. That, and Nate's family is really itching for us to have kids. Cheryl (Nate's mom) really wants a grandchild and talks about it or at least hints at it often, and Granner (Cheryl's mom) has subtly hinted in the past that she's always hoped for a granddaugther. Oy vey! I want to give them what they hope for, but it's going to be at my own pace.
A couple months ago, Nate and I were hoping to move into this beautiful duplex apartment in Barrington. It was so lovely and spacious, and when I went to look at it, all I could think was, "we could totally raise a child here!" The apartment ended up falling through, as did my thoughts about a kid. I brought the idea up to him, and he was still adamant that he wanted to wait until we had a house. It didn't seem to matter so much to me about owning our home, especially when I saw that place. The woman who was currently living there had two little girls and it seemed fine. But it didn't work out, and everything is on hold again. I wouldn't say I am itching to get going, it just comes into my mind every now and again.
When I spend any amount of time with my brother's children, it makes me crazy with baby lust. They are the most amazing and beautiful children, I want them to be mine! And the fact that they live so far away, in Colorado, nearly kills me every time I think about it. My mom and I can't get enough of them, and not to mention we miss Bryan like crazy! We are hoping that someday soon they will move back to NH so we can all be closer. I would get to see them more often, and they could know our child/ren once that comes along.
Strangely enough, though, being around my sister's daughter does not make me want to have a baby of my own. It never did. Perhaps it is because she is so much like my sister? No clue. But since the day she was born, I loved her insanely, but I never wanted her or wanted one like her. She is a crazily intelligent child full of personality and life. She is quite precocious, and there is some attitude there that I can already see will be a blast when she is a teenager. I am looking forward to it, but at the same time, I am not!
I always feel the need to bring these posts back to my original point - about me, personally, wanting children. I never even thought I would get married. But once I was with Nate, I couldn't think of anything else I'd rather do than tie myself to him for life. He is such a great person, we are so much better together. So, having never really wanted children either, it is quite a change to be on the other side of that fence. I feel compelled to give him a child. He was raised without a father, and I have heard it time and again (and also agree with this fact), that he will be such a wonderful father himself. When talking about children, I often say that he will be a better father than I will a mother. I truly believe that. But I have also often been told that I will probably surprise myself.
So, we'll see...
No comments:
Post a Comment